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retirik 58, Female, Illinois, USA - 36 entries

Feb 2007
8:04 PM CDT

Решила записать, пока не забыла. Ребешка очень ревнует, когда мы с Бьорном подолгу разговариваем. А если обнимаемся, то обязательно просочится, чтобы быть посерединке. Меня это очень забавляет. Она настойчиво мне объясняет: "Мама, это мой папа, а не твой. Когда я вырасту, то выйду за него замуж". Я говорю: "А как же я? Можно я тогда выйду за твоего кавалера из садика - Чэза?" Она: "Ни в коем случае. Папа мой, и Чэз мой". Я спрашиваю: "А за кого же мне тогда выходить?" Она: "Выходи за дедушку. Он хороший". ("Why don't you marry your Dad? He's nice".)

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lockshockbarrel 39, Female, Canada - 4 entries

Feb 2007
6:29 PM EDT

Feb 1 2007 At one time I had controll of the things in my life. I was happy, comfortable and content. Then something happened and someone changed their mind about something with me. Then after all that time and effort it all ended so quickly. Now it's been almosy a year and thing have changed I'm still lost and have not yet found my control again. My decisions are lost and out of focus, I can't seem to hold on to anything and don't know if I even know what I want other than one thing. This thing may be lost forever and there may not be anything I can do to fix this or change it and all maybe lost forever. If only I knew what to do when I should of done something. Just it's when things come at you so unexpectedly you just don't know what to do or say about it. You panic and freak and fuck things up and possibly worse than I even planned. First I had so much anger and didn'y know how to disperse of it. Thinkng that it would dissipate and vanish my mind and then I could go bcak it just grew. It grew because I became selfish and wanted more. not thinkng about the factors and trying to understand anyones positioning. I lost sight of what I really wanted for one point, only because I wanted irt in a more intense factor so quickly and right away. Looking for all the wrong things. I wanted him to show that He still needed me and he didn't he found someone else, this just feeding the growing anger that was already refusing to stop more and more everyday!! Soon it became that if I couldn't have exactly what I wanted then it moved on that I didn't want anything to do with him at all. So I pushed and pushed and became angered to the max, only as a coping mechanism to make myself feel better and have it easier on myslef not thinking about how he may feel about it. After that it was just a matter of blocking him from my mind completely only making myslef less in control and more and more of a fuck up because I am no longer myslef but ingoring mysels so I can ignore my emotions. Then a chance is asked to be given and instead of allowing I fought it in anger. Resenting the loss of his love not realizing that I was dumb and it was still there. Wanting nothing still because I couldn't have it all, be selfish and wanted only what I wanted and if that wasn't happening that I wanted nothing at all. So there I go again pushing and pushing applying intense anger in hopes once again that it would just make things easier on my behalf so I wouldn't feel the hurt I was block out of my hearrt and my mind.Then one more time a hope I destroy all over again, not showing the care and true empathy I feel. Asking finally the one thing I had feared and thought I was so sure about. Getting the answer that would make everything so much better and then once again because of the such surprise of what I heard I freaked and got lost in my emotions and thoughts blurting out what is yet again another defense and possibly destryong everything I had just wanted back in the first place. I just was confused because I thouhgt I was so sure and yet again I wasn't and then became upset with the fact that why? Why wouldn't you try to show something or to let me know. How could you really feel that way and not have tried to do anything more that what your were. Having me even more lost and out of control now. Now I can only make sure that all the anger is gone and realize that I can't expect so much so soon and how wrong I really was and should have given so much more.I see cleary and maybe I have gain some control at least about how I feel and what I can do to make thigns better if this isnt completly irreperable and utterly damaged. I guess I will have to learn to live what I have done. Just remebering the wonderfully sweet good things that are and always will be in my memories. well till next time be strong and fucking figure things out !!!

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Daydreamer 37, Female, Australia - 26 entries

Feb 2007
6:29 PM EDT

Ya know how they say that there is somebody out there for everybody? I dont know if that is true. Now Im not trying to rush my life but when is it going to be my chance? Why cant I just fall in love? I do think that I was in love before but that person really hurt me in the since that he believed something he shouldnt have and I do believe that if he didnt we could possibly still be together if he chose not to believe the rumor.Is it possible that this experience which is more detailed than this entry the reason why I tend to shy away from guys??

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3 comment(s) - 12:56 PM - 03/29/2007

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ngoggio 43, Female, Texas, USA - 7 entries

Feb 2007
4:04 PM CST

My Chemical Romance announced that they will be coming to San Antonio in April which I'm so psyched for!! I am getting my tax return through direct deposit into my account tomorrow so I can buy my presale tickets. I also am going puppy shopping for a Chihuahua .. I love Chihuahuas and have lived with two of them which are my little canine sisters. I took some numbers down from my city's classifieds and will give them a call tomorrow. I also am planning on attending a Pet Expo because breeders tend to sell their puppies for a cheaper price and that is how my mom bought our last Chihuahua for only $300! I hope thinks stay this great because everything have been going downhill for me since before Christmas!

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TruGrayce 61, Female, Washington, USA - 33 entries

Feb 2007
1:24 AM PST

Life is great and I'm feeling so very blessed. It's been a wonderful week and my commitment of working out and not eating after 8pm is right on track. I'm still looking for work, and I know the right position will come. Hanging out with Omar has been a blast, too. Don't know where this will go but the ride is quite enjoyable. I never would have given a man his age a second thought (he's 30 & I'm 42) but for some reason I stepped outside the box (good for me). It's been so much fun. Anyway...this weekend will be crazy busy with India's B-Day pary (still so much to do). Stay positve and keep a jingle in your heart...much love, TruGrayce.

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jodigirl25 59, Female, Ohio, USA - 40 entries

Feb 2007
5:24 PM EDT

I got some serious studying done today! Cardiac functions, and disorders. Hope I can retain!!!

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Carlie 51, Female, Louisiana, USA - 5 entries

Feb 2007
4:06 PM EST

I was shoked to find that my grandmother was soo worried about me that she told my mom to talk to me.It hurt my feelings that she couldn't tell me.Also my sister couldn't tell me what she thought of me, she had to talk to my mother about how concred she was that I was Emo.It hurt.Also I haven't gathered the corage to tell the boy I like that I like him.I am hoping when Valentines day comes I can tell him how I fell.

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helloxBeautiful 34, Female, Connecticut, USA - First entry!

Feb 2007
5:03 AM EDT

Why do things end up the way they do;
Yes, there is a reason why everything happens.
I just want to know why things fell apart.

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charlax 71, Male, Arizona, USA - 744 entries

Feb 2007
1:56 AM MST

eye made my love a distant place

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travelcityman 62, Male, California, USA - 3 entries

Feb 2007
12:44 PM PST

Feb 1, 2007 – The beginning of the end. Today I admitted to my partner of 13 years that I have had several affairs. This has been a very long night. It is my intent to start this journal as a healing process for myself. I have never been one to be able to voice my feelings or my thoughts. I now need a place to explain the how’s and why’s of what I did so that I can start sorting it out. I know that I will be judged and I accept that but just because some judges me it does not mean that I will accept that judgment. I am hoping that this will be a healing process for me and if I can in anyway help others by what I write then that is a bonus. For sake of confidentiality through out this journal I will be known as Max and my partner as Pat. These are not are real names. Why did I choose today, three days after our 13 anniversary to admit to Pat that I had strayed? Earlier in the day I had been diagnosed with genital warts. This was one time that I was not going to be able to manipulate the situation and cover my tracks. I knew that the time was up and that I had to own up to what I had done. I had to own it. Thinking back to the first time that I was unfaithful I should have taken the hints that the universe was sending. I should point out that this first time I was not the first time I was unfaithful but just the first time I was in person. There had been many online chat room meetings which I will discuss at a later time. It was in our 4th or 5th year together and my Pat had made plans to go assist a fellow worker with shopping for home furnishings. This venture out was very rare for him. He has never been one to go out boldly by himself. A very shy person who is deathly afraid of rejection in any form, he is paralyzed by the thought of even the thought of asking. Plans had been made and I encouraged him to go. The reason was I wanted him to go out and experience what it was like to do things without me. But in thinking back I am sure that I had in the back of my head what I wanted to do. I had been researching porn bookstores in the area and found one that had video booths. As I set him on his way I knew in my mind what I was going to do and without regard to him or myself I did it. I drove to the video store and I entered. It took a few moments to figure out what the unspoken protocol was. After cashing in dollars for tokens I headed to the back. I soon found myself in a booth with another person. A young Mexican who invited me in to share his booth and I excitedly had unprotected sex with. I was the receiver and he was the giver. I was amazed at myself that once it was done there was no feeling of guilt as I thought there would be. I was able to greet Pat at the door and ask how his day was and never let on what I had done. Two weeks to the day while relieving myself I noticed a slight burning sensation at first. Panic set in. What was I going to do? How was I going to fix this with out anyone finding out? At the end of our street was a health clinic. I had some extra time so I made arrangements to take the afternoon off. This was hard because both Pat and I worked for the same small company. But I was able to. I was examined. I was told that most likely it was gonorrhea. A test was done but I also was given a pre scription for antibiotic that I was to take for 7 days. I went home and started taking the medication right away. I had to do some manipulating of our sex life as I did not want Pat to catch anything. Each and every time he mentioned an ache or pain, which was and still is often, I panicked inside. My outward composure was flawless. After the 7 days the medication was complete I was cured and I was able not to pass this along to Pat. If I had listened to the universe telling me that if you do this type of activity then there are consequences. I did not listen.

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